Friday, 27 February 2009

Gadget lovers X-mas list

Celebrate the birth of Jesus! By giving, Christians believe they are fulfilling the wishes of an omnipotent being, who in return offers them unconditional love. In reality, the legacy of Jesus Christ is that each winter, bespectacled social rejects are temporarily enticed away from their habitual masturbation marathons by the allure of man’s most divine creation. Noisy little gadgets to piss off your parents/ girlfriend/ fellow bus passengers. These are the must have stocking fillers for Christmas 2008. Without them, you will be shunned by your peers and will endure emotionally crippling flashbacks of that day in the playground when you were victimised, for still playing on a Master-System, when everybody else had a Mega-drive.

1. DID's Virtual Piano - $130 -

Ray Charles didn't need sight to feel his way around a piano’s keys. But he would have been shit at playing DID’s portable virtual piano which uses, "a red semiconductor laser module and holographic optical element." To project, "a 25-key, 2-octave keyboard onto the surface in front of it." This is what the pianists of the future will play. It can project the hologram onto any surface. Invisible lasers detect what keys you press and the sound is emitted from the in-built speaker system in the style of your choice; piano, organ, pipe organ or harpsichord. All that is required is that you are able to see the keys. On your bike Raymond.

2.AU design project - Turn that phone into a Trombone

How does one deal with the insolent young brat on the train, playing his speed garage on full volume through his mobile phone's tinny speakers? Avoid criminal convictions or the humiliation of having a child kick your head in by shaming the swine with these musical instrument phone attachments!

Japanese phone company KDDI cell and Yamaha have joined forces; to create music based concept handsets that can be transformed, by the insertion of a plug-in accessory into the musical instrument of your choice. The Selection includes; the trombone, trumpet, guitar, bass, synthesizer, harmonica and best of all, a two piece set with motion sensor sticks for air drumming! How soon before someone starts a band using only mobile phone accessories? Not soon enough! One particular concept handset is nothing short of revolutionary. The screen folds up to unleash ten pluckable guitar strings. Now you can serenade that attractive girl on the Tesco fags counter who you’ve never had the courage to speak to.

3. Finis SwiMP3 - £99,

This waterproof mp3 headset helps you to endure the monotony of aquatic exercise by listening to your choice of water related music. My recommendations include the Tornadoes’ 'Stingray' and Howard Serratt’s 'Troublesome Waters'. If you don’t like my suggestions, fear not, for you can fill the 1GB of storage with plenty of the worthless noise of your choosing. The sound quality is clear and loud above the din of splashing water, but there are no headphones. Instead, you attach panels to your ears with a tight strap and the music is pummelled into your head by way of vibrations conducted through the bones in your skull. No deaths have occurred so far from using it. Although, if you’ve ever worn an undersized hat for a prolonged amount of time, you will understand the discomfort that pressure on the skull causes. Incidentally, sharks are attracted to vibrations, so be sure to exercise caution when listening to your music in warm seas, particularly if you are listening to Morrissey. They have no sympathy for his vegetarian bleating.

4. Acoustic Energy Bluetooth Speaker. - £80- Available now -

Unused speakers accumulate like cobwebs, due largely to the fact you couldn’t be arsed to sort out the unsightly wires that attach all the different devices to the same speaker system. Not to mention the irritation of re-connecting your laptop to the hi-fi every time you return from work. Those Ipod cradle things are about as versatile as...Well, as any other Apple product, in the sense that they’re totally incompatible with anything that isn’t made by Apple. All these irritating problems and others you’ve never previously considered are all solved with this amplifier. It has detachable speakers that will play music from your PC, Mp3 player, portable gaming system or whatever. All will bow before the versatility of this product. Best of all, the Acoustic Energy system can play music via Bluetooth streaming from your phone or laptop, thus saving you from hanging yourself by the neck on Boxing day with the mess of wires that have accumulated in your home as a result of your technological obsession.

5. Guitar Hero - Air Guitar Rocker- £17 - available now

You’ve wasted the past two years of your life thrashing away feverishly at a little kid’s plastic toy guitar, under the misguided impression that you can call yourself a guitar hero. You’ve lost your job, your girlfriend and you’ve been kicked out of your band. How do you make people realise that you are a guitar hero, when no-one will come near your stinking pit of self loathing and empty pot noodle cups? This is how. An air guitar belt buckle-pick up churns out riffs through your wearable amplifier with a mere wave of a special pick. The speed you strum the plectrum, in front of your skull adorned plastic belt buckle, dictates the tempo of the classic rock track. Track selections come from the likes of Sabbath, Motorhead and Boston but you can buy an expansion pack for extra songs. With the amp on your side, your guitar hero belt buckle slung provocatively low and your battery operated pick raised to the heavens, finally, you can start to get your life back on track.

6. Plantronics' Discovery 925 ‘Jewel’ headset- £50,000 -

If you’re stupid enough to walk the streets wearing the white headphones that came with your Ipod, you deserve to get shanked up good. It’s a criminal magnet. So get yourself something a bit more understated. Like the Discovery 925 ‘Jewel’ blue tooth headset from Plantronics. Phoebe Coleman designed the 18k gold head set, encrusted with 40 diamonds and 31 natural pearls. If you want to listen to your music or have a phone conversation in the street, without being bothered by criminals, these are perfect for your stocking. Just as long as Father Christmas doesn’t get jacked on his way to your house.

Published: The Stool Pigeon, December 2008

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